Wednesday, September 06, 2006

You Know You're Addicted to Cycling When, Aug. 7, 2006

August 7, 2006
I love this list, submitted by Ron Spechler of the North Jersey Bike Association. His original list was a tad sexist, so I've changed the orientation where necessary to reflect both sexes of addicts. It also is a bit suburbia-centric, but never mind, the intent is terrific. You'll laugh at yourself after you read this. Major suggestion--don't show this list to your boss or future employer.
You know you're addicted to cycling when:
--Your surgeon tells you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader;
--A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy/ Playgirl centerfold, but that new gear ratio you were considering for your Cobra.
--A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
--The bra your significant other finds in your glove compartment belongs to your Trek and not the cute waitress at Denny's.
--You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
--The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.
--You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.
--You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
--Your wife/ husband tells you the only way she'll let you ride across the country is over her/ his dead body and you tell her/him, "If that's the case, you'll be my first speed bump!"
--You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
--You have stopped even trying to explain to your spouse why you need two bikes...you just go buy another one and figure it will
all work out in the divorce settlement.
--You buy your crutches instead of renting.
--You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
--You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
--Biker chic means black spandex, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.
--"Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries" is for you.
--You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young woman/ man ride by, and the first thing you check out is her/ his bicycle.
--You empathize with the roadkill.
--Despite all that winter fat you put on, you'll skim weight by buying titanium components.
--You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.
--Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
--You wear your bike shorts swimming.
--You buy a bikini with shorts for bottoms because of your mid-thigh tan line.
--Your bikes are worth more than your car.
--When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
--You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
--You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
--You clean your bike(s) more often then your car.
--You're on the Board of Directors for a Bike Club.
--You mount a $600 cap, on a $1,000 pickup truck, so your $3,000 bike doesn't get wet.
---You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your buddies at 5:30 AM for a hammerfest.
--You can tell your spouse, with a straight face, that it's too hot to mow the lawn or do the laundry and then bike off for a century.
--You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
--Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
--You tailgate a semi-trailer to get the drafting effect.
--You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"
--You smile at your evening date, and she/ he politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.
--You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to cycling.
--You think "I have to shave my legs before I pick her up tonight for dinner"
And I added:
--You think guys who don't shave their legs are ugly and not worth your time
--You include "rides a bike" in your online dating requirements
--You tell any future significant other never to expect you to be available on Saturday and Sunday mornings every weekend for the rest of your life before you even tell them your name, unless of course they go with you on the bike
--You draft behind a guy on a bicycle just so you can watch the muscles in his legs
--As a woman you also enjoy watching women's backsides while they ride so you can improve your form
--You tell people you are a cyclist before you tell them what you do for a living
--You go to sleep early on Friday and Saturday nights just so you can keep up with the fast guys
--You wear your heartrate monitor every time you ride so when you crash and end up in the hospital, they won't have to take your heart rate
--You spend more money on one pair of bike shoes than on shoes you wear to work, parties, and casual all combined
--You care more about how your legs look when you wear bike shorts than when you wear skirts
--You do sit ups just so your jersey doesn't crumple in front when you wear it
--You would rather go for a bike ride than do your nails, and will spend a whole week with broken nail polish and sightly nails than not ride
--You plan every single vacation with cycling in mind, and if your S.O. tells you you won't be able to ride, you cancel

If you have more to add, please email jbenepe@msn.com

1 comment:

Greg L. said...

I love this! Very funny! :)